Saturday, January 4, 2014

Part 1

I mustered the resolve and watched the whole thing, sound and all. Nobody warned me that it's dull.

First off, FSU needs to petition the W Network for screenwriters credit.

I amend my previous sight-unseen remarks to say that Scott looks fairly pathetic and insecure, and his overcompensation in his portrayal of Fake Scott is sad, and not only with the fake gf.

Tessa's doing something else - it's like she thinks people believe she's a hellacious slut, so this reality show is a rebuttal. She won't rebut with "I'm married to Scott." So, she's made her girl parts factory new and spends her evening in patterned pajamas, slipper socks and full make-up, reading a book and making healthy smoothies.

This show reminds me a lot of Jockeys, an American sports reality series that aired on Animal Planet in 2009. That also had manufactured storylines (i.e. the female jockeys fight for their place in a male sport and discuss the issue in expositional, over-literal dialogue among themselves), and the track caller who called the actual race was replaced by Animal Planet voiceovers pretending to call the race. For instance, back then there was a champion racehorse called Zenyetta, who had one way of running - last. She'd run last all the way around the track and make her move in the last quarter to eighth of a mile, run down everybody like a freight train and win sailing away. She never ran any other way, so when her races were called, the caller always acknowledged she was running to form, and he'd alert the viewer/crowd when to look for her patented move. But, on Jockeys, the fake race caller kept saying "OMG - Zenyatta is still last!" "The first half mile in 47 and change and Zenyatta is still last!" and the camera would switch to the jockey's girlfriend biting her lip and stressing. It had absolutely nothing to do with how the race actually unfolded, which involved the jockey sitting chilly on Zenyatta, not WANTING her to move til the end.

In the Tessa & Scott previews, it looked to me as if not only did they replace the music in the sd, they also faked the commentary. Also, they set it up as if they were disappointed in their Quebec short dance, never mentioning the huge score. It's so much like Jockeys I wonder if there's any production team cross-over.

Seriously, I'm sad for him.I mean - squee!

"So, do you ever think about the Olympics?"
"Dude, you didn't tell me the dialogue would be this retarded."
"If we don't win, it's a failure. And this
hair is already a tragedy."
"I've created a monster."
"I'm patterning my performance after Mario Cattone."
"Scott, do you ever get that not so fresh feeling?"
"No. I'm more concerned with how come this t-shirt gives me breasts."
"I kind of fucked up the twizzles and
I'm pretty sure it's because I was pushed off axis
by the weight of these eyelashes."
The Evil American Flag.

I fucking hate getting up early. I don't know how parents of newborns do it.
I'm never having a baby.
We are barely civil with Tessa and Scott, but have agreed
to appear in their Reality Show of Lies.

"Do I look concerned? Cause I'm really not."

And here we go.
From the 24th to the 28th it's Moirville
burning Meryl and Charlie in effigy.
Canadian Nationals. Nope, nothing. Nothing. Nothing in January.
I have a problem with velour.
Unless it's royal purple with deep decollete' and built-out shoulders.
The chicks dig it and I like the way it feels.
I'm just afraid I'll look gay. I'm just afraid the gays the chicks will
like it TOO much. It will show off the heat I'm packing and
my high, firm, full ass will distract from the skating.

To be continued.


P.S.  These facial expressions evoke who?

Alternatively, how to tell if a couple of Olympic champion
ice dancers are lying through their teeth.


  1. LOL
    Compare to Scott's expressions:

    1. Oh God that's perfect. I'm using that. Thanks.

  2. Brilliant. Your recaps are about one million times more enjoyable than the show.

  3. I try to imagine any other figure skater putting something like this on the air - presenting themselves the way Scott and Tessa present themselves. They'd be DESTROYED. Imagine Charlie White speaking of himself and his partner and his coach the way Scott does, and describing a (non-Tanith) relationship the way Scott does. He wouldn't be able to show his face in public. The pomposity. The smug. The pathetic. Imagine Charlie White saying anything about chicks and velour pants, especially acting like all that incredible attention from "the chicks" that his velour pants would of course receive would be a pain in his smoking hot bubble butt. He'd be killed. Imagine ANY skater, straight or gay, presenting themselves with this type of ego.

    Whether fans recognize it or not, IMO a lot of them seem to be exceptionally skittish about Scott and Tessa. Scott and Tessa have proactively made fools of fans for years - intentionally made fans feel stupid. It's kept fans off balance and reluctant to speak out in case they look foolish again. ANY other skaters at their level would be getting strips of their hide ripped off for this bullshit on the W network. The promotion for it pretends we're going to see a couple of nice, clean-cut skating "kids" working their way towards the Olympics. Instead we get a repressed, annoying, re-virginized Tessa suffering from chronic PTSD ("Someone said hello to me in the lobby. I was the only one to order vegetarian. There was somebody else in the women's restroom. I'm out of hand sanitizer.") . And Scott's just working hard to tell us he's not weird or anachronistic, NOPE. He's smooth, has the lady thing nailed down. So naturally he comes across as a smug, pompous, controlling, pathetic little weasel, and the other skaters playing along look like they're humoring the weird little kid they're babysitting.