Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A Very Special Skating Federation

Did you know?
That Kaitlyn Weaver's mom makes Andrew and Kaitlyn very special Christmas breakfast tacos on Christmas morning?
That Andrew and Kaitlyn live together and this year put up only a small Christmas tree?
That they spend Christmas day playing "Just Dance" together?
That Kaitlyn and Andrew are best friends?
That Kaitlyn and Andrew are heterosexual?
That Kaitlyn's aunt gives them a Christmas ornament every year?
That Kaitlyn and Andrew do their Christmas shopping together all over the world?
That Kaitlyn loves Andrew's cooking and Kaitlyn is a mean baker?*
That Kaitlyn and Andrew do not have sex with each other?
Happy Holidays! We wanted you all to know
we do everything together except fuck!
Did you know?

That Jessica Dube and Bryce Davison
used to be lovers and then were not?
used to have sex with each other then stopped?
banged the gong together but the music died? 
knew each other biblically but lost their religion?
were opposites, but that's good says their sports counselor, Dr. Sylvain Guimond, because
"if they are different, they are better than if they are exactly the same. Because where your strengths are, that's where I have my weaknesses. And where I have strength, that's where you have weakness.**
Or, as Rowan Atkinson would say:

Happy Holidays. We stopped fucking
 and won this World medal. Coincidence? 
You decide.*
Did you know?

That Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue
love each other in a way that's undeniable?

In a way that's undeniable
are part of each other's families?
that Scott thinks this is a fun way to promote Body Butter?
We don't have sex!
that Tessa missed the Grand Prix season and Nationals last year because of her shins?
that they get excited just to hold each others hands, but do not have sex with each other?
that Scott carried Tessa from her hospital bed after surgery last year, but they don't have sex?
that Scott used to glower because his buddies hit on Tessa, but he and Tessa have never had sex?***
that Tessa believes Scott bounds out of bed the second the alarm goes off, raring to go, and Scott says Tessa hits the snooze alarm five or six times but gets ready really fast, but they can only guess cause they don't live together or have sex with each other?
that they went to marriage counseling together but do not have sex?
that their relationship is "unique"**** ?

that they're heterosexual?
that as children, Tessa had a crush on Scott but doesn't know if he had a crush on her?

I wonder how Skate Canada knows which couples to focus upon. At the annual training camps and team meetings is it, "Okay, show of hands, who is having sex with each other and who isn't?  Those of you who once did, but stopped - hold that thought. We'll get back to you later."

And when the ones who are doing it raise their hands, Debbi calls em up to the rostrum and says, "No, you're not." And they go "Okay." ? Then the ones who had their hands down, Debbi calls em up to see what the problem is? Better not be gayness.

I'm curious when we'll get the news that Megean Duhamel and Eric Radford are not doing it. When will we hear that not fucking had nothing to do with Paul Poirier and Vanessa Crone's split? I kind of suspect that they're going with a different spin for Crone/Poirier. Poor Vanessa wasn't able to showcase Paul's masculinity, but now with Piper, it's just busting out all over.*****

Not that Debbi, Bill and Barb aren't all awfully attractive people, but when was the last time they got any with anyone they really wanted to get it from that really wanted them for them? Are they afraid if the public believes these attractive, successful young people ARE together they'll be jealous - as envious as Debbi, Bill and Barb? So it's better to assure everyone it's all perfect and close and darling and wonderful, but nobody's getting laid that you'd give a damn about? They can't handle it so the public can't?

It's always circling back to this icky with them.

What is it?

The three of them evoke the faculty of a particularly unsavory, stereotypical, gothic English boarding school. Leering and lascivious, like by proxy is the only way they can get near it.
*No euphemism intended - they're platonic.

**Thank you Dr. Sylvain "Debbi Wilkes" Guimond.

***with each other.

****"unique". Aw. How cute. They think it's unique. These small town kids. :)  Birds and Bees

*****Did you know that Paul Poirier
skates faster than most hockey players and falls harder than most football players -- all without padding?

has been around a Harley Davidson?

Monday, December 26, 2011

Scott didn't like it anywhere

While Scott has engaged in plenty of icky sham behavior, it seems he has limits.

Last year, Jessica Dube participated in this breast cancer awareness outreach on facebook:

If you want to skip the link, here's the article:

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and while breast cancer is most certainly a disease worthy of awareness and fund-raising, sometimes attempts at raising awareness are a little… peculiar.
Remember last year’s Facebook campaign where all of your lady friends suddenly had status updates like “Black,” “Red,” or “Polka dots” and no one had any clue what was up? Oh, but then word got around that the updates were the bra colors of choice and the updates were meant to pique interest of those left out of the joke (read: males) in order to raise awareness about breast cancer. Um, ok?
While the logic of the trend didn’t quite connect–does titillating (no pun intended) men lead to cancer awareness? Or does it just titillate men?–it did raise a lot of speculation for a few days and at least the updates were breast-related.
This year’s Facebook awareness mission, however, is even more unusual.
You may have noticed several status updates in the past few days with phrases such as “I like it on the couch,” or “I like it on the floor.” These status updates aren’t referencing creative places the updater likes to, well, you know. Instead these locations are the places that the updater likes to keep their… purse.
But by updating their status with such a mysteriously evocative statement, women are, um, arousing attention to the breast cancer campaign. Right?
To reiterate, there is nothing wrong with campaigning for breast cancer awareness (or any disease, for that matter). In fact, quite the opposite is true–the effects of successful campaigning for the disease has led to a significant reduction in the disease. Yet what exactly does provocatively saying where you like to keep your purse have to do with a horrible disease that has challenged millions of lives?
So as well-intentioned as some of these updates might be, they seem a little misguided. My guess is that interest in breast cancer isn’t exactly what you’ll be piquing.
 So. Cutesy and titillating, and some of her friends were doing it. Right up Jessica's alley:

Barely an hour later, Scott is an emphatic spoil sport:

Kind of Johnny-on-the-spot for a guy who pretends he barely knows how to work the internet and neglects his own facebooks(s) weeks on end.

I wonder if he saw the update himself or if half his family/friends texted him. 

Let's do this

Come on Skate Canada, mix it up a little.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

But this is fine

For God knows what convoluted and clown-ass reasons, Skate Canada has determined that the public must not ever ever EVER believe not EVER that any of its figure skating partnerships are romantic. Lately they've resorted to tactics that are the marketing equivalent of a parent hiding nutrients in a vegetable-averse kid's omelet or lasagne. 

SC goes to quite a bit of facebook trouble also, to emphasize that within partnerships, sex ain't happening.

But this is fine for one of their figure skater's facebooks. (I read this last summer, so it  had remained visible on Jessica Dube's fb for over 3 years.)

No un-vetted photo of Tessa/Scott or Jessica/Bryce ever makes it onto anyone's fb, but this thing sits right there.

It was in the "boxes" section of her fb. This screen capture doesn't have her name, but it was sitting in her fb with her name all over it and comments from her friends below it.

Yes, she's French Canadian but she did the quiz in English and slapped in asterisks and said "as a joke!" so she was fairly well having it both ways here. She knows.

I think back then Jessica was in what she terms a "gangsta-girly" fashion phase with the head wrap bandana and she also sported puffy gold earrings at times, and so the favorite word to say may have been part of the package.

Yet she found it prudent to asterisk some key letters.* The rest of her possible favorite words are spelled out.

I took the quiz so I could see the answers. I scored about where her friends scored - except for Bryce, who crushed the field and commented that he thinks Jessica may have lied on her quiz.

During the Patrick Chan pseudo-brouhaha about China, where it later emerged it's entirely the fault of selfish, unpatriotic corporate Canada that Skate Canada has shit for sponsors, it turned out Patrick Chan didn't realize there were human rights violations in China. Then people jumped in to say you barely have a history requirement in Canadian high schools so it's not his fault. And then it's mentioned the USA is almost as bad.

Well shit, then how did I find out about it? Oh that's right - when I was in school they taught me to read.

And come to find out - since I was aware that China had been accused of human rights violations - this makes me a political scientist. According to an attorney/backer who spoke up for Chan.**

Maybe it's making more sense why Debbi Wilkes speaks to the public as if they learned the alphabet song only yesterday.

But it's okay! Who cares if our figure skaters haven't got no education (even those who've applied to the University of Colorado).  We not only don't care if everybody knows our skaters are ignorant - we'll defend it. He's a figure skater. Give him a break - Patrick didn't even know China was its own country til last week.***

Say this stuff loud and proud and Skate Canada has no problem. In fact, what could have been an - eh, there-goes-Patrick-again situation turned into crisis management (at last - Barb MacDonald had a crisis! You know that got added to her bullet-pointed credentials even before she sent her customary a.m. email to ice-network.com.) with Thompson talking and Barb talking and reporters who live in the SC tank prompted to get the SC spin out there. 

A 24-hour news cycle event turned into a week (it's figure skating, so 24-hour is a little generous - how about 25 minutes). They took a skater's whine and blew it up to a posturing, grand-standing clusterfuck with at least two SC officials getting their names in print. What SC does best. Your government funding at work.

In the category of other things SC and the "skating community" thinks is just fine to put out there, I recently went looking for a Dube Davison article I remembered reading, where somebody working with them felt it important to tell us explicitly that they used to be "lovers".  Not a "couple". "Lovers."  Try as I might, I couldn't un-read it.

So I took some pepto-bismol and googled the article:


I don't understand - if "everyone knows it" then why does this person also add that "you have to say it." If we already know it, no, you don't. But basically what the fuck kind of article is this?

Skate Canada gets an almost pornographic enjoyment out of detailing the extreme closeness of "platonic" (or former lovers) figure skaters in their partnerships.  First of all - since when is the sexual status of its figure skaters any business of a skating Fed let alone a component of its marketing? But Skate Canada wades right in with truly creepy enthusiasm, relishing every detail. We're told what's in the shared Weaver & Poje family breakfast tacos. We're informed about intimate marriage/sports counseling for platonic partners. Every five seconds Skate Canada sticks a thermometer up the rectum of some skating partnership and reports back with the blow-by-blow (not literally blow-by-blow, cause they're platonic, but you get what I'm going for here). And then they drop the chaser - they're PLATONIC.****
It keeps re-impressing me as a little off.
*I know there's no excuse for that word and I also know why there's no excuse. That makes me a social anthropologist.

**Why do skaters get to pull the skater-ignorant card. What about the rest of us? "He's a figure skater - not a political scientist."  Do vets, students, cops, office managers, personal trainers, nurses, etc. get to go there? "I don't know what that wet shit falling from the sky is called - I'm a UPS driver, not a meteorologist!"

***He'd assumed it was a region of the country of Asia.

****I think all of Skate Canada's skaters in skating partnerships were required to be microchipped if they were on the Vancouver Olympic track. This microchip is programmed to de-platonic them the second one or the other declares the intention to retire after an upcoming competition.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's the Law In Canada

Here's an icenetwork article on Weaver/Poje, facilitated, we can be sure, by Skate Canada:

The platonic passion of Weaver & Poje

In the States, eligible figure skating partnerships are allowed to date, marry and have a romance with each other. In Canada, not so.*  Until you have retired, you may not know your partner in the biblical sense.**

This article describes in detail how the Weaver and Poje families spend every Xmas Eve and Christmas day together, breakfast together, midnight mass together, and also works in how Weaver and Poje share a house (platonically).***

On this blog one commentator scoffed when I cited Weaver & Poje as at first having insisted they were platonic. This comment informed the blog that everyone knew it was bullshit and nobody cares about them anyway (as I remember - I have not double checked yet).

The tone (not to mention my own impression) was that the cat had been out of the bag as to Weaver & Poje's real status for some time.

When the hell did it crawl back in?

Is it strategy? We all know Scott and Tessa's success and popularity derives from their relationship status, not their figure skating.  Maybe Weaver & Poje are throwing down.

I'd suspect it could be pandering to religious conservatives in Canada - people who don't believe in pre-marital sex, but come on. Not to mention that theory is contradicted by aggressive image-messaging letting fans know that figure skaters are getting it on outside marriage plenty, just not with their skating partners.

*The law prohibiting intra-partner Canadian figure skating romance was enacted in 2007 and is called the Dube Davison law.

**Skate Canada is obsessed with gay stuff so maybe they took the concept of "plays for our team" "doesn't play for our team" too literally.

*** So you see, it is totally possible to live together, share everything together including holidays, travel to be with each other, and vacation together, but NOT BE A COUPLE.

Are Kaitlyn and Andrew just taking one for the(ir) team(mates) - Scott and Tessa? Creating validity via their own story - back door messaging as it were?

Hard to figure it's for their own sake or privacy protection, seeing as - as the blog comment pointed out - when everyone believed they WERE a couple, nobody except a few random fans gave a shit.

Tis the season

Two holiday seasons in a row, the Moir/Jessica Xmas Celebration on Facebook invited literally thousands to - hey - check out Scott and Jessica's Fun Family Xmas!
"Moir Rock Band Family Xmas '09"

"Xmas 2010!"
Scott's red-eye isn't the only annual holiday tradition.

In  2009, the festivities happened Chez Moir and in 2010 at Le Domicile du Dube, but at each Scott and Jessica donned coordinated, suggestive of just-out-of-bed sweats, accessorized with bedhead, and only a light make-up application by Jessica in deference to the camera's lens. This attire is de rigueur, regardless if the rest of the family wears jeans.

Both photo albums are organized around a sofa upon which the lovebirds perch.

Small differences - at the Moir household, the beverage of choice is wine:
Aunt Carol

I'm not myself til I've had my morning wine either.

In fairness, as Scott and Jessica have changed out of the cozy-couple sweats, it may be 5 p.m. somewhere in Canada.

While at the Dubes, that looks like a coffee or tea cup just above Jessica's left shoulder.
I hope neither Scott nor Jessica spend future holidays away from parents and siblings because how would anyone celebrate without the sofa focal point.

Scott waits to see what gift he has gotten Jessica:
OMG that's hilarious!
I mean - aw - that's so romantic.

Tessa test-driving a Tiffany's key in early 2009.
She's the best partner ever.

So that's what I got him. I wonder if someone is
making fun of me. I'm never sure.

Will they break tradition this year or will it still be sweats and any-which-way hair to represent a couple of just-rolled-out-of-bed xmas homebodies in a long-term relationship. Surely despite their recent discretion with facebook, we won't be deprived. It's Christmas!

I'm hopeful. After the GPF free dance, Scott allowed as how before getting back to it, they would be spending the holidays "hopefully with family" while looking at Tessa. I take this to mean he'd remembered to allude to his annual holiday celebration with Jessica either in the bosom of his family or Jessica's, and was hoping Tessa was pleased he had.

Maybe there will be a twist this season, and Tessa will ring the doorbell and surprise everyone with a gift en route to taking a sleigh ride with her mom, Kate, and Ryan Semple. I feel like Cara may have retired, and new personnel stepping in.

To date, from her amoureux, Jessica has received a Tiffany's key pendant at a slightly lower price point than one Tessa had worn in early '09, and in 2010 she was presented with a charcoal/white/black striped tunic sweater - a lower price point version of various outerwear Tessa had sported during competitions the previous competitive season.

I think it's time all concerned stepped it up and got Jessica:

At two carats, it's a bit pricy but the Virtue family are avid supporters of this love story. Perhaps they'll pitch in. When it comes to Jessica not only is group effort the watchword, but no expense is spared.

Scott and Jessica are both 24 - getting up there to still be unmarried in certain parts of Canada. This deal is sealed. Neither has so much as been "on a break' since 2007. We know where this is headed. We, the fans, should not be left in the lurch after having a ringside seat from the start - we should see this.

So we have the Xmas 2011 profile photo to anticipate, and photos showing up on other facebooks. I hope we don't miss New Year's although last New Year's Eve will be hard to top:

Happy Most Wonderful Time of the Year - 2011-2012! to Jessica and Scott.


Continuing from post below: For Jessica, even perks like trips to the Dominican aren't all they might be cracked up to be.

Scott and Jessica have been together so long it's like they skipped the romance part and settled right in with the retirement community.
Not Scott and Jessica. But boy
I'd bet a spa pool would
feel good on a skater's back.

For example, the Dreams Punta Cana Resort and Spa - where Scott and Jessica (and Veronique and Jonathan) spent part of May 2009 training break - offers a variety of amenities to suit the preferences of their guests, whether families, honeymooners, couples, kids. There's couples massage in elevated open-air huts and a spa pool; there's private jacuzzis on the balcony of many rooms. There's a casino that opens late afternoon and operates til the wee hours.

There's foam parties in the pool and samba dancing with plain old partying by torchlight on the beach at night:
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana
Folks not Scott and Jessica
There's early-bird specials such as dancing to the pre-dinner live band in the lobby along with fellow amoureuxes:
Aw - just like an outing with the Moirs!
It's live!
 Dreams is set up so chums* can spend A+ time together. There's beach beds.
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana
Not Scott and Jessica.  
You can also hang with in situ bros.**
For loving couples eager for "us" time, there's room service.
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana
Not a room occupied by either Jessica Dube or Scott Moir.
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana
Not Jessica Dube or Scott Moir's patio.
The continental breakfast on their room's private patio is a popular option for couples at this resort. Many couples have posted photos and consider it a highlight.
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana
Not Jessica Dube or Scott Moir's room.
Couples can also choose the resort's World Cafe while it's empty.

The free-form pool snakes throughout the resort. Guests report it is so large it's never crowded and you can have your own private cove. There are swim-up bars so you can float in couple-haze bliss:
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana
Not Scott and Jessica
Dreams is all-inclusive, but if you've got money to burn, photos to take and big chunks of time to kill, there's the opportunity to shell out an additional $89.00USD per person for each of numerous outside excursions.

For example:
Photos of Dreams Punta Cana, Punta Cana

 And then you can:

Scott's $360 solo nap. (Saona Island excursion, party of 4.)
From a traveler's report:
The trip to Saona is an all day thing, one way by speedboat, back on catamaran. It was a great trip, we both loved the catamaran and the natural pool to photograph starfish. They pour the rum and coke freely throughout the day.
If you choose to go you will love it, just be aware that the whole day way around 12 hours from pickup to drop off. The only issue we had with the whole trip was the loud, obnoxious drunks on the bus on the way back.

Saona Island trip

Other excursions:  zip-lining with your amoureux and her siblings also at $89.00USD per; you can spend even more by renting a car and hauling ass to Santa Domingo with the woman you taime and her two siblings so as to enjoy that popular couple activity of posing beneath statues of Christopher Columbus and sitting on benches in pedestrian plazas. Scott did all of this.

If I were on a beach resort vacation with my long-distance love interest after a long, draining skating season, I'd be all over that.

When the day is done, Dreams offers a very special dining experience for those in the mood for love:
Duo who are not Scott and Jessica.
When the sun has set, you're dining by torchlight. :)

You can also partner up with a bunch of strangers with families - a/k/a Moirs in loco  and dine with them and their families every night.

A benefit of the second option is dining with these two lovely ladies:
Looks like a no brainer.

* In the Quebecoise slang sense. ;)

** Who knew Scott was a smoker?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Walk of Sham(e)

This blog has discussed the benefits Jessica Dube receives from the sham, but seldom gives props to her contributions. It can't be an easy job, being a virtual Moir, although I'm sure as the years then decades roll on, Jessica will continue to rise to the challenge - or perhaps just do the whole thing sedated. Why not? It would take a discerning outsider to distinguish ordinary-demeanor Jessica from a Jessica enjoying the assistance of a couple of xanax washed down with a little rum and diet coke.

Maybe the Moirs will learn to understand French! Jessica can dream.

Or maybe it's a good thing they don't.

The sham girlfriend's role here is heavy on hearty, more-Moirs-the-merrier family fun and low on glamor - no dinner with the Queen, no Gemini awards, no red carpet, no chauffeured around in a Japanese Hyundai while pink rose petals fall gently from above.

In deference to the season, a bit of appreciation might be appropriate as we look at Jessica's labors in the Field of Sham.

Wear it with pride Jessica
Jessica looks as if she could be slightly anxious in the photo above. If so, hard to figure. Scott and Tessa have just skated brilliantly.  She's got Danny behind her and Cara to her left.  Who wouldn't find that relaxing?


Long day at Ilderton's Scott & Tessa's Gold Medal Celebration.

Perp Walk
Best bf ever.