Action pants

This post is an intersticial until tonight's programs/lifts comparison.

So, for Scott:

The answer to your costume
dilemma, you stud.
Also, extra reading:
Action Pants: Genital Panic

Three episodes in, I can't figure out why the W Network contracted for a reality show pitched to approximately two dozen people on the internet.

Among the general viewing audience, Scott and Tessa aren't famous. When that public tunes in, all many will know is Scott and Tessa won the gold in Vancouver in 2010. But traditionally, the public's interest in figure skating spikes during an Olympic year, and this is an Olympic year. And this is Scott and Tessa's introduction:

Let's meet Tessa & Scott:

They don't like their programs and their officials don't like their programs and they don't really like being figure skaters. Technically, they mostly suck - not only do they struggle executing key elements, they're barely motivated to try. They're kind of slow. TSA agents and airline passengers are more comfortable getting close, and certainly we've seen ice skating chimps with greater joy in performance. None of it matters anyway because the Americans are going to win.

Tessa, an Olympic and World champion, is a tedious, self-flagellating paranoid oppressed by skating, living, and breathing. She's counting the decades til the retirement community.

Her penis-endowed partner, Scott, alternates barely restrained impatience with exaggerated tolerance/pity, but mostly he's x-ing off the weekdays til he can sit on the couch with his mute, blank-faced girlfriend.

Don't you want them to kiss???!!!

For skating fans, it appears they're setting up excuses. "We're not going to win but we're over this skating deal anyway." "We're not going to win but I've got a wonky back, so..."

What a great idea for a show. They have to be breaking ratings records with this thing.

This show is so fucked up you can second guess until you're twisted. Right now I'm at - is this actually supposed to be believable or is it one of those double or triple blind reverse type deals?

Tessa notes that TIFF is a crazy scene.

"How does Chiddy do this all the time by himself?"
nervous giggles Tessa.

I DON'T do this all the time!
I'm just playing along with your crazy!

Seriously that's all we get from her until Jian the Journalist shows up.
Tee to the hee x 1000.
I did learn she won't share that she's had a child, but she
will overshare about whether or not her legs are smooth.

Which isn't cocktail conversation, because the alternative to smooth
isn't cocktail conversation. Who the fuck wants that visual?
She wants to lock her real stuff down, LOCK IT ALL DOWN bitch.

"Hey - you look great! Last time I saw you,
you were pregnant! Let's hang!"

Behold skating journalism.  This d.j./interviewer/ex-comedian/is identified here as a "journalist." He "journaled" Tessa and Scott while she was very pregnant.

"It was really refreshing to get out and socialize and see other people and

feel like I was a normal person. This wife and mother and skater shit is for the birds.

It was fun. My life is so sheltered at the moment that,
just knowing that that’s out there -
– a life of socializing at invitation only fashion events
wearing couture and interacting with local media celebrities –
just relieves the stress. I know I'll be vomiting a
lot less after this."

It's really hard for Tessa to date, Tessa shares, because she lives in
Canton. Michigan. And Londonontario.  There are
no men in either city.

Basically Tessa just told us that after she's done skating she's going to be a socialite. Good for her.

I know Tessa did some more tee heeing and she vo'd about how she can't wait to have a real relationship instead of this fake nothing happening bullshit with Scott, but I'm done with her. Let's move on to this episode's raison d'etre.

Mommy and Dad let Scotty boy use the
basement TV space for girlfriend sexy times.

Let's take a closer look.

You get it dawg.

There it is. It's morning. And he went over there at night.
Nobody can say Alma's little boy isn't a real man.

I may be just spelunking for a silver lining, but when I look at Chiddy in this it's hard not to wonder if it's beginning to dawn on him that Scott and Tessa are both really really really REALLY stupid. Chiddy's a character, and at times seems possibly a little volatile, and a little young, but he's smart. We can see that. He's got enough brains to go on with.

Scott and Tessa? I bet we're not the only ones catching on.

There's the minor, doesn't mean anything evidence, which is that a lot of Skate Canada's skaters are bilingual (Chiddy's tri or quad lingual) and Scott and Tessa just about pass in English, and that's it. There's been all kinds of opportunity to get a grasp on at least French, but nah. Bryce learned it in what - a few months? It's kind of something you'd think they'd catch onto at this point, but nope.

Then there's the real evidence that all the lights aren't on upstairs: Everything Scott and Tessa say, and everything they do.

It can take years for even people close to them to figure that out. Between the pretty, the sweet, the ability to compete, and the huge figure skating talent and dance talent, a lot of people take it as given that with all of that, the other basics must of course be present - a good dose of smarts, common sense, ability to reason, a certain amount of maturity. All that personal appeal sort of READS like the more substantial stuff. It can take years before it dawns on anyone that talent and personal appeal don't = substance.

(Their "unique" history and their 'sheltered' environment doesn't create or account for this level of both dumb ass and jackass. They just got severely shortchanged in the critical thinking department.)

(This is a theme in literature AND a theme in beach reads. I recall a Maeve Binchey novel where the heroine - a beautiful, talented, sensitive woman, abandons her family to run off with the love of her life, only to realize less than ten years later that he's really really stupid, a bit pathetic, and kind of a fraud.)

In the past Tessa and Scott were outliers because they were beautiful, because of the love and chemistry between them, and because of their outrageous skating talent. It almost stands to reason if they have all that, we can at least expect they have the same brains as the rest of the figure skaters in Canada. And we would be wrong.

I'm thinking maybe people are realizing that their good friends, their colleagues, their role models, are as genuinely crazy (versus endearingly crazy) and deeply, impenetrably stupid as it gets.

Okay, now I agree. My tag of "Cassandra" could be Kaitlyn Osmond. Subsequent video clips show a doppelganger resemblance.

"Marnie, Meryl and Charlie are far from unbeatable if the game isn't rigged, but the game
is rigged. We're coming in second. If we're LUCKY."

We were also supposed to see Tessa writing: "Control distractions. Don't let skating overwhelm the reality show."

Tessa: "it's like"
Kate: "You're in this insane world."
Tessa: "yes".
Kate: "And you're never good enough."
Tessa: "Never."
Kate: "I bet sometimes you want to kill yourself."
Tessa: "Yep."
Kate: "Because it's like - you're just this worthless piece of shit."
Tessa: "Um hmm."
Kate: "Mommy loves you baby."

"I was so relieved the free dance went well I
rewarded myself by upchucking breakfast and lunch.
Call me bulky after that, bitches."

"It was one of those nights where Scott needed to get away,
get home and relax, help raise money for the ISC, which
is more important than me, our career, our daughter,
our reputation, our chances in Sochi, and our integrity."

"It was so weird being abandoned by Scott. I kept trying to talk to the empty
space beside me. It's a struggle to realize I'm just a stain wipe to him and he'd
rather be with coSONdra. I can hardly remember the events I've been to
without him. Well, okay, Much Music 2009, my French Family's wedding,
Monaco 2009."

"I am working to accept the fact that I'm a non-hot loser nobody
would hang out with unless their Olympic prospects depended upon it, or
unless they were 40something going through a mid-life crisis, or humoring me.
I'm a boner-shrinker cluster of tedium. I'm not attractive and I have
the personality of a clenched anus.  I have no talent, I choke, I'm annoying,
I'm exhausting, I torture everything until it dies, and if you've had a rough week
GOD do you need a break from me. If I have a daughter some day,
I certainly hope she never takes after me because I'm the WORST."

I'm so so glad Ilderton has OBVIOUSLY made Tessa feel loved, proud, and accepted for herself.

And Kate - congratulations!

To be continued.

P.S.  - I just want to take a second to say that the gleeful, misogynistic hatefulness of this program  makes it almost impossible to digest. It's with Tessa's full cooperation, as well. How fucking dare she. How fucking dare she. How fucking dare Scott. Kate, you fucking SUCK. And I hope Little Moir finds other role models as fast as she can before she's throwing up her animal crackers and slamming her head against her bedroom mirror because she's an imperfect, boring, useless, pathetic, insecure, talentless waste of skin like her mother. 

________________________________
P.S. May I offer a HUGE congratulations to Alexandra Paul and Mitchell Islam, who trained for half of this quad in the shadow of Skate Canada's contempt, and nevertheless never compromised their integrity as ice dancers. They're a beautiful team who have only been skating together since 2009 and yet they use every ounce of what they have. They've never ducked ice dance - they've always tackled ice dance head on.

They have never skated inside their comfort zone - they've always worked right to the edge of their considerable ability, and thank God it's paid off.

Congrats on the move to the DSC. The people at the DSC seem to have convinced P/I to skate without apology. They're not only worth it when they're perfect. They're worth it, period. They have so much content in what they do. The DSC move was the right move at the right time and I couldn't be happier for them.

I LIKE Gilles/Poirier's programs this year, and Piper has improved her skating. However, P/I have improved their competitive steel, and at this stage they're clearly the stronger team. I am so happy they're going to Sochi, so happy they've outright earned their spot, and I'm thrilled for their supporters.

________________
P.P.S. I do have some thoughts about Virtue Moir this weekend but I want to process them a little bit. 

Last time they competed at Canadians before the Olympics, they didn't give a shit how anyone else skated, or how the crowd reacted to anyone. They came on that ice and they threw it down, particularly Faruccus. They were warriors. They were also on the radio prior to Canadians and Scott said what we were going to see at Canadians was pretty much what we'd see at the Olympics.

What's happened to that? "OMG we were rattled by the W&P audience response!" Since WHEN? "It would be worrying if we weren't still fighting for our programs, if we were perfect already."

No it wouldn't.

It's like they can't stop outsmarting themselves. Yes, even if they'd blown the roof off at Canadians it might not have made a difference. All indications are DW have already been crowned Olympic champions and Scott and Tessa's performance won't matter.

But, this reality show is full of them running themselves down - particularly Tessa. They pander, pander pander. They figure out where the lowest common denominator is among the likely viewers and then aim considerably under that, and it feels like it circles back and bites them in the ass, not us.

"Oh their programs suck. Oh they could be in trouble." That's the takeaway from the reality show.

The fundamentals of their skating are there, the programs are there, but psychologically they seem as fragile as hell - for them.

It's ridiculous. They did it to themselves. It's arrogant. "We're doing this Olympics 100% different from last Olympics, we're going to front front front and lie lie lie and try to talk reality around even though that has never EVER worked for us, nor has piling agenda after agenda on top of our actual job, which is skating". It's NEVER worked, but reality is always what they decide it is, until it catches up to them. It did in 2011 and it certainly looks like it's doing the same thing here.

Especially when the agenda fucks with their heads, their energy, and their integrity.

"It's always really fun to see the other skaters at ... team camp."

caSONDra and Rudy Sweiger.
Look who's a skater.

"I knew little Patrick when he was like thirteen.
I take ... some pride in the fact that I yeah you know I
took him out to his first nightclub. I'm like his older
brother."

"I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
I can come over any time. I can come over at night."

Chan: "Heh heh - I still find this dialogue
such a struggle."

"They suck so bad. They'll be lucky
to finish ahead of Chock/Bates at Sochi."

Somehow, coSONdra's presence at "Team Camp" went unremarked by either Scott or Tessa, but obviously, we're meant to see it.

I can't keep up!!!!

They're too smart for me!

To be continued.

It's HPC!

"You must skate, do element, and people watch."

"Our timing's bad, our technique is bad, our energy is bad.
Our own Federation is pretty much disgusted.
I don't know if we even deserve to go to Sochi, let alone be
 on any part of the podium."

"I'm a bad person and my skating doesn't make
up for it."

Who wouldn't want this shit airing weeks prior to Sochi? It's genius!

What was it like for you to be part of Canada's hottest athletes?

"I'll tell you what it was like for me - my buddies
texted me every three minutes."

"Go 4 it dog I can hook you up with half a condom."

To be continued.

Watch this space

Apologies - I did this last night and inadvertently saved in draft versus publish. 

Here we go:

Previously on Tessa & Scott...

Tessa struggled with PTSD ("There was gravel in that driveway. I had to reapply lip gloss. My laptop made me update flash player. Marina wanted me to try an element."). Scott gave Andrew Poje permission to ask Tessa a question. Meanwhile, we learned it was Tessa who'd forced Scott to fuck up the twizzles in Quebec.

Viewer alert: if you missed Episode 1, watch the W network for listings of repeat airings or go directly to any First World Problems meme web page for an alternative episode summary.
***********************

Just like last time, I hope to watch this thing via download, so I can re-wind and screen cap and take a second look for the blog's recaps. When that's done, the blog's recap will start here.

In the meantime, for anybody whose plans this evening includes chugging a few shots of Mylanta and squaring off with Ep. 2 as it airs, and is moved to live chat about it in the comments section, this would be the post.

Until then, check out Dubreuil Lauzon, back from retirement:

Scott in navy velour.
Chicks, don't all maul the screen at once.

That's an unsettling facial expression on Scott. I hope it's just a micro-expression and he wasn't so impressed by his own performance in the reality show he's going to wheel out his acting chops in real life. Please no.

Skating break

Many participants here remain interested in skating, even if Virtue and Moir themselves don't give a shit. Because, as far as the public goes, they want the public to know that skating is just a way to deliver chemistry and personality, just as pasta is simply a delivery system for sauce.*

Only epicureans know both ideas are erroneous.

I LOVE this video.

And, just like aWaltzFlower (the author of these videos) I'd also like to know how the hop qualifies as a "dance" jump, as opposed to the same straightforward hop skaters use as a rotational aide for spin rotations.

I'm certain the ISU will clean all this up once Davis White hop and skip away with Olympic gold. I'm serious. I know they will.

The very fact that all of the other teams are moving in a skating direction - IOW, a non-DW direction - suggests they've all gotten the message that massive scores for dumbing down your skating are a DW - and DW-only - phenom.

Anyway, to repeat, I just love the above video. The timing, the commentary, and of course, the content.

I'm glad I missed some of the desperate fan rationalizations, quoted in this video, claiming three twizzles are EASIER. Jesus Christ.

The above is spin entrances, exits and in betweens. I honestly cannot imagine anybody arguing with a straight face that DW have more variation (not to mention what they do do IS dumbed down) but at least the above video settles that issue.

This is sort of a dispiriting time in the VM fandom. I HATE feeling a like a fan. Meaning - they have pretty much gotten me to the point where if (IF?) they're second in Sochi I'll be - fuck you, you asked for it. I'd like to think I prioritize skating over personalities. I think the truth is, if they lose, I'll be disappointed, so I still have that much care. Just not as disappointed as I might be otherwise. This shit makes it easier to take.

Even taking the fuck you part out of it, I do believe in karma (not the literal concept, but that what you do that is wrong ends up working its way back to you, tripping you up and hurting you, unless in some way you yourself recognize it and correct somehow). I don't think karma looks like what people want it to look like. Apparently on this blog, in some quarters, there are those who think it should look like public exposure/humiliation/condemnation. I think that's unlikely, if only because "karma" (however you want to describe/define it) isn't about the objects, it's about the subjects. It's not about us, it's about them.

I do think that the things they've messed with, played fast, loose, and cheap with on the web (their relationship, their marriage, their daughter, and, least of these, skating politics - everything is grist for their bullshit) are things that, in the end, will work on them mentally/psychologically and end up damaged. Because that's how it works. Karma isn't dramatic; it's organic.

As far as the skating goes, for sure the politics are against them. But we've also got them totally throwing out their previous attitude towards preparation. They now assert that doing a reality show up until weeks before the Olympics is GOOD for them even though it runs counter to what they've said before about preparation. They pretend everyone in their lives thought the reality show is a good idea. I don't believe it. I think most people in their lives, including in their coaching environment, long ago decided not to touch this shit with a ten foot pole. Tessa and Scott are adults. They're going to do what they want to do. If it's not skating, they don't listen.

Anybody with half a brain can see that one of their arguments for the reality show - that it's just a camera crew following them around grabbing pieces of their real lives - is lies. Everything with them is lies. Even people who believe in the script can plainly see this is scripted behavior, and requires actual camera set-ups, not field cameras.

EVERYTHING. The canoodling on the couch from six different camera angles. Jean Marc coaching them on chemistry instead of choreography. The stilted scene in the restaurant with Tessa's ballet flat footsie that also featured multiple POVs (multiple POV's mean multiple camera set-ups). They're not in their own homes, either, and in Cassandra/Connor's home, the prep includes clearing the filming area of personal effects. In Tessa's "space", the prep includes setting the stage.

They are acting full time while training full time. But they're super humans - this isn't going to impact them in any way.

I don't believe them. I think it hurts them and they know other people aren't on board. It hurts the skating. It hurts the perception (especially perception, which everyone on the planet but fans think is so so so so so important in figure skating).

Thank you VERY much to aWaltzFlower.  Great job.
_________________________
*Of course, on those terms, Scott and Tessa are telling us they don't really HAVE chemistry or personality, and as for skating, they're a bunch of whiners. So, not sure what they're going for with this.

P.S. apparently Davis White have added romantic touching to the program right before the spin. As I read it, they OF COURSE, STOP in the middle of the ice for this display. Maybe even with all the posing and the gliding and the separating and simple hand holding, they still needed a breather. If memory serves (and it may not) the spin was one of the few elements they skated into. So now even that is asking too much and they need a stand still pose section before it.