My work here is not done

So ISU president Speedy Cinquanta is looking ahead to his 2016 departure, and, as he notes in a recent communique, time's a wasting. A lot has been accomplished, but there's more to be done if the sport is to be irrevocably be stripped of its credibility before his final sayanara.

He shares his thoughts:

There's still time to make figure skating worse

Read that. Does anybody think a penetrating intellect like David Dore's would have trouble controlling this guy?

I don't know why Speedy's plans are so conservative. I've got some ideas:

For pairs:
Divide the rink in half and compress the routine.Two pairs teams compete at the same time, one at each end. Judges compare tricks, and the audience is on the edge of their seats in case one of the throws sends a lady sailing to the wrong end of the rink, decapitating the other guy.

For singles:
No more singles. Singles relay. One by one each skater in each flight races after the other onto the ice and does their opening pose and preliminary stroking. Repeat as each follows the other with their next sequence or element. Only half the footwork is done per turn, because the audience doesn't have the attention span for all that shit at once. The spirals can be completed in one go cause they're pretty.

For dance:
Two teams on the ice at once, but the rink isn't split. At a point to be determined by blind draw at each event, the teams must switch partners before a key, easily apprehended element such as the dance spin or the twizzles. The voting is factored so that the skaters are scored individually, not as a team. At the medal ceremony, it could be Alexandra Paul standing up there with Alex Shibutani.

I'd pay $600,000 to get a light show between Bill Thompson's ears

http://slam.canoe.ca/Slam/FigureSkating/2012/03/11/19488166.html

I can't even.

I wish I had a better heading and maybe I'll switch it out later but for now, nothing like a guy who sucks at his job, whose organization is a model of financial miscalculation, getting pompous about what an entire city better put out to stay in his good graces. What fucking bubble does he occupy and don't answer that.*

I would post excerpts but it's hard to do while puking. (Okay, got over that and posted one.)

And of course he puts his faith in something asinine. A light show. That is CRITICAL.

Some time back a poster in the comments section told us that London knows what it's doing putting on skating events, and Worlds should be well-managed and very well-attended, unlike most Skate Canada-managed competitions.

Well there goes that because Skate Canada CEO Bill Thompson has elbowed his way into the spotlight. Naturally, Thompson feels like he's qualified to tell London how to do its job. While every potential ticket purchaser now sees the chances of experiencing a well-run competition dimming exponentially.

Why? Because, of all the elements of this event, upon what is Thompson fixating?

The light show. The city-budget busting $600,000 light show that some London officials would like to nix, seeing as how the economy is kind of in a jam at the moment.

Please tell me the light show is going to be configured to show the Skate Canada logo in lights because I figure that's got to be it.

Per Thompson, they better not even think of canceling the light show, the component around which every successful figure skating worlds orbits. The light show was the deciding factor in Skate Canada awarding London the event (not competence? I'm surprised.).**

Screw programs, timely mailing of tickets, an organized competition, a public treated with respect. The fucking LIGHT SHOW is key. Fail to deliver on that, and London's entire reputation as a city will suffer with Skate Canada, says Thompson. Not just with Skate Canada, but with other sports.***

Hear that London?

That is Skate Canada today. Everybody from sponsors to a location that can WHIP ITS ASS in organizational competence to the ticket-buying public is supposed to run around worrying what Skate Canada - the David Brent of organized sports -  thinks of it and an entire city can just choke on higher taxes because Bill Thompson don't give a shit. He's not obligated to bring stuff downtown!


Moe, Larry or Curly?
Except, you know, not funny.

Classic Skate Canadian logic. Some city officials are balking because they want to maintain the tax freeze for its citizens and splashing out $600,000 for a light show could put that in jeopardy. Fuck that, says Thompson, showing a seasoned CEO feel for the marketplace. Increase the tax burden on Londoners if you must, but deliver that fucking light show because Skate Canada will be bringing some stuff downtown and you don't want to know how Skate Canada will feel if it doesn't get $600,000 worth of light show in return. It's the most important part of the entire Worlds! All the message board fans are banking on it!

"I do think the light show would make a very big difference. We are doing some things around the event we are not obligated to do -- bringing things downtown to increase traffic for your businesses -- and this (the light show) would help,"****Thompson said at a brief ceremony on the weekend.

Who could turn down a proposition like Bill's? Pay higher taxes because things will be coming downtown. Skate Canada things. SC - with its Midas touch.

I don't know, feels like a wash. Gimme the tax freeze and I'll suffer without the stuff Skate Canada is gonna bring downtown. Even though I bet tumbleweeds will be just a rolling through downtown London without that light show. London businesses have been telling their creditors to just hold on until Worlds because the light show is gonna set the books to rights. Of course then they'll have to pay higher taxes the following year. You think Bill could send some stuff downtown then, too?

Bill's confidence in his own judgment remains unshakeable despite years of stupendous and costly idiocy. That's a man.

Listen to Bill, London. Take his threats seriously. You don't want to lose face with Skate Canada. Bill knows from civic and corporate economics. Ask BMO, Homesense, Artistry, Nabisco and ask Kozy Shack pudding.

If I were a corporate sponsor, I couldn't wait to get into bed with this guy. He's public relations magic.

I'm out of stuff. There's so much stuff here, it's like I've got keyboard paralysis. Everything's jammed up.
_________________
*We're getting an ever clearer picture of what the figure skating veterans running Skate Canada believe attracts audiences to figure skating.

1. TMI
5. Debbi Wilkes
11. Logos
12. Reminding Canadians that Skate Canada is Canadian
15. "Masculinity"
19. Light shows
79. Figure skating

**Except, despite what Thompson says in the link, apparently not.

***Bill. "Other sports" think you're a clown.

****Why doesn't he put London officials in touch with the Moscow officials who pulled off a smashing Worlds on minimal notice last year thanks to ITS light show?I'm sure Moscow will point out that without the light show businesses would have taken a hit and the venue would have been half empty.

He don't care.

Linsanity

The New York Knicks have a point guard sensation named Jeremy Lin. He's not "just" a basketball player - he's a Harvard Grad.* Today's New York Post covers the "story"* of brands beating down Lin's agent's email in hopes of getting on board what's anticipated may become a "global-marketing juggernaut."

Page Six's source alluded to the volume of reach-outs Lin has received culminating with this flourish as the coup de gras: "He's met with IMG."

Oh yes. If you want to be a marketing force, if you want to be a brand - who you gonna call? Debbi Wilkes? For all her experience coupled with the sort of marketing acuity that speaks for itself, I'd say no. It's still IMG.

Unless you've made Debbi-directed decisions in your strategic marketing and publicity life that have become legitimate marketing agentry kryptonite. That's when you make a side trip to Japan to figure skate among wafting CGI rose petals to the great entertainment of everyone on tumblr.**

The Lin source mentions that it can take a year to nail down the types of deals being set up for Jeremy (Reportedly, Lin feels above the luxury watch market popular with other star b-ballers - he wants to bring Harvard in there somehow as part of his brand - a bit less ostentatious). I suppose that's similar except not to having your biggest deal (VM's with Roots) go down the toilet in less than a year when it was touted to be for four years.

But if Scott and Tessa were with IMG, chances are we'd never have gotten this:

This is classic Olympic gold medal winning endorsement quality right here.
It's just like the stuff Michelle Kwan did for Chevrolet.

___________________
*Safe bet the "story" came from Jeremy Lin's agent as the agent (Roger Montgomery) is the only non-star name bolded in the item even though the quotes are from an unnamed "source".

**I called this a "Hyandai" commercial in a prior post. It's Toyota hybrid - its brand qualities beautifully expressed by Tessa and Scott above and especially when the rose petals magically reconfigure into a bouquet once Tessa is comfortably soporific in the back seat.

Toyota can repurpose this commercial down the line - sell it out as stock footage for the happy pill market. Not cause I'm sleepy watching it but just look at those faces.
_____________________________
*"Balance" is important to Jeremy.