Sunday, January 19, 2014

Episode 3 Part 2

This episode was a billion times longer than the first two put together. I'm still not freaking done.

Let's acknowledge that although this
reality series is a giant lie, the
cinematography could not be
more flattering.
Tessa and the girls talk about girl things.
All the girls want Hall & Oates tickets.
Especially this girl.
The only actual man at the rink.
"Scott, it's almost like you're TOO
masculine out there. It's too much male.
It's overpowering. You need to pull
back on some of the masculinity and
sexual authority.
"

"He's such a powerful presence. I'm a little bit afraid of him."
"When he gets upset, I think it's me."

I need my mommy, and she's coming for a visit.
"If your grandmother saw me making this pie
with canned pumpkin, she'd break my fingers."
She's my rock.
To be continued.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Episode Three

Previously on Tessa & Scott
Tessa threw up because of nothing. coSondra's couch plotted escape. P. Chiddy bought a suit in New York and later noticed Tessa is insane.

Episode 3:

"Let's name this pumpkin 'Bryce.'"
Scott: "Those eyebrows are massive."
Cassandra: "Don't critique me, bitch."
"Life stuff gets in the way, things happen,
if you can't come to class, it's okay, try to catch
up on line, if you can't, that's okay, reach out if
you can to a classmate  to see if you've missed
anything; if you can't, it's okay."
You, too, honey.

I believe in caption consistency.
"I find I'm a lot more anxious, do you notice?"
"Am I supposed to?
I need a script here dude,
I don't know you that well."
"It's really challenging preparing for the Olympics
when I belong in a mental health facility."
"If he doesn't stop talking, I'm bashing
  this pumpkin in his face."
"ME me me me me me me.
Me me me me ME me me."

To be continued.

Lifts

What I really want to do is embed Paul Islam's free dance to compare with Davis White's free dance. The usual problem with comparing Davis White to much much lower ranked teams is the programs of much lower ranked teams don't often feel complete. They're a combination of what the team executes very well and other things that are raw. When I can get an embed of PI's fd, that'll be a post.

ETA - Thanks to the person who steered me to P/I's Canadians free on youtube. Here they both are - DW's and P/I's:





I was going to put DW first, then PI, but I think the difference is even more striking if you look at the "lesser" team first, and then DW. Immediately you notice DW are miles apart and are doing the most elementary in betweens, and most of their elements - not to mention the rest of it - in design and in execution - don't approach the level of difficulty of design in P/I's elements, let alone execution. Furthermore, Meryl and Charlie would come crashing to the ice if required to skate as closely together, with as much variation in direction and hold, and with as little preparation, as P/I are able to deliver so seamlessly in this performance. And please notice P/I's ice coverage. They're into the ice, they have big curves; they're covering that rink, they're not skating small.

I'm not pushing P/I here, because the same goes for VM. But it's instructive to look at a THIRD place Canadian team not anticipated to make the podium, who do every single thing better than DW.

Yet DW will win the gold, and VM will be silver, and P/I will make a "good showing." Unbelieveable. Unlike pairs, singles, etc., you still can't "move up" in dance even when you're superior. That's how it's been for decades, that's how the ISU had decided it should remain.

DW's skating is dumbed down but they've polished it, and they're rewarded for doing dumbed down stuff with polish. Lower ranked teams who combine admirable stuff with raw tend to expose themselves - lesser difficulty, or areas with good level of difficulty executed awkwardly.

In Paul Islam, we have a lower ranked team that didn't make Worlds last season, and finished third at Canadians this year. They're definitely not expected to podium in Sochi, and may possibly make top ten, but nobody anticipates top five. They are, however, complete. They have a high level of difficulty, and they're polished. They're a good point of comparison.

WHY are DW number 1? The skating at Canadians was so good, it begs the question of not just why DW are consistently beating VM, but why they're beating any number of teams.

At the moment, it's the lifts that are driving me crazy. I look at that fucking backpack, and that ridiculous fetal lift, and then look at the exquisite lifts the Canadians show in their programs, the control of their bodies in space as they execute, and the smooth run of their blades, and could just scream.

Skating fans are certainly powerless, that's for sure. More than any other sport.

I don't think skating fans (or any sports fans) should control outcomes. But a sport owes its public full explanations of results, explanations that refer to its own rule book and standards/critieria to shed light on scoring. Not abruptly claim the scoring is all about subjective arbitrary bullshit when it suits someone's agenda.

Whatever "floating" effect it used to have
has pretty much gone down the crapper.
With this lift, whatever audience response there is, is forced. Not so forced as when DW's own cheering section screamed on cue during the GP, but the way something is forced when people are told something is spectacular, and they don't want to be contradictory, so the cheer becomes obligatory, but lacking in real energy.  He's just slapping her onto his shoulder.

Not only have better ice dancers rotated directly
into the upside down position without curling up into a ball
and clinging onto their partner, but look at
Meryl's legs. They're crossed at the ankles. She can't
hold the position without locking herself in. Her
entire freaking body is pasted to Charlie; her core
is girdled by Charlie, and yet she can't manage her leg
position, which is merely straight up, gravity working
in her favor. That's ridiculous.
Paul Islam.
I mean, come on. She skates into it while changing direction,
she uses core strength and control of her body in space, and
the she also uses her OWN core as her point of rotation to

change position. There is minimal redundancy/external
stability, and she has complete control of her body/limbs.
She's completely exposed in that position. She
has to stablize her hips, core, and topline.
Her entire body is fully extended.

Great speed. Exits on a running edge.
All we need to know is the way Alexandra Paul changes
from the lateral position to over her partner's shoulder.
Why isn't she clutching and pushing herself up there?
How can Mitch Islam extend a free arm the immediate
instant she's in place? Don't they want to move up
in the ranks? Start clutching, you two.
P.S. - notice, when in position, how far her core
extends past the plane of Islam's shoulder, instead of what
we've seen with Meryl in past lifts using this pose - arms,
shoulders, head and neck peering over Charlie's shoulder line
while the rest of her (chest included) remains pasted against
Charlie's back.
Look where Alexandra Paul's chest is in this position.
Also, note the stability of Islam's edges in the curve.
I don't LOVE it, but she's rotating around her own core
instead of pulling a Meryl, which is clinging to her partner while
he in turn clutches her and hoists her up. What Kaitlyn does here is
impossible for Meryl. Meryl can't rotate into position. She
can't stablize her own body with a balance point. She needs
external resistance at multiple points and she can't work at
even a minor distance from her center of gravity. She can't control
her limbs.

,
Not the greatest but skates into it, and kicks DW ass
in independent control of body and limbs.
Their problem is they lack the
"wow" factor. Right, Evegny?
What other sport can get away with
actually gaslighting the public?
Ice dance should not be an Olympic sport. I definitely believe the sport knows it can't get away with this again for awhile, and will cloak itself in edge-centric piety in the next quad.

Also, ice dance is the only figure skating discipline with multiple instances of undefined criteria in the rulebook that the judges can use to elevate an inferior team. But WHY? The other three disciplines all have explicitly defined standards and criteria.

The one standard that is inarguable - superior stroking, blade run and ice coverage, is simply disregarded.

____________________
P.S. - something else re lifts: In the best lifts, when the women is changing position or entering a lift, her partner "assists". He provides leverage, a point of rotation, he might assist her momentum, but it's all "assisting" something she's already generated and set in motion. This is even true, this year, of Gilles Poirier, for God's sake.

Charlie White is not "assisting" Meryl Davies. What Meryl Davies does is contort herself into a position that enables Charlie White to sling her up, actually heave her up, or muscle her up. Naturally, this means they get the highest base value for their lifts and the highest possible GOE.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Action pants

This post is an intersticial until tonight's programs/lifts comparison.

So, for Scott:

The answer to your costume
dilemma, you stud.

Also, extra reading:
Action Pants: Genital Panic
Three episodes in, I can't figure out why the W Network contracted for a reality show pitched to approximately two dozen people on the internet.

Among the general viewing audience, Scott and Tessa aren't famous. When that public tunes in, all many will know is Scott and Tessa won the gold in Vancouver in 2010. But traditionally, the public's interest in figure skating spikes during an Olympic year, and this is an Olympic year. And this is Scott and Tessa's introduction:

Let's meet Tessa & Scott:

They don't like their programs and their officials don't like their programs and they don't really like being figure skaters. Technically, they mostly suck - not only do they struggle executing key elements, they're barely motivated to try. They're kind of slow. TSA agents and airline passengers are more comfortable getting close, and certainly we've seen ice skating chimps with greater joy in performance. None of it matters anyway because the Americans are going to win.

Tessa, an Olympic and World champion, is a tedious, self-flagellating paranoid oppressed by skating, living, and breathing. She's counting the decades til the retirement community.

Her penis-endowed partner, Scott, alternates barely restrained impatience with exaggerated tolerance/pity, but mostly he's x-ing off the weekdays til he can sit on the couch with his mute, blank-faced girlfriend.

Don't you want them to kiss???!!!

For skating fans, it appears they're setting up excuses. "We're not going to win but we're over this skating deal anyway." "We're not going to win but I've got a wonky back, so..."

What a great idea for a show. They have to be breaking ratings records with this thing.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

This show is so fucked up you can second guess until you're twisted. Right now I'm at - is this actually supposed to be believable or is it one of those double or triple blind reverse type deals?
Tessa notes that TIFF is a crazy scene.
"How does Chiddy do this all the time by himself?"
nervous giggles Tessa.
I DON'T do this all the time!
I'm just playing along with your crazy!
Seriously that's all we get from her until Jian the Journalist shows up.
Tee to the hee x 1000.
I did learn she won't share that she's had a child, but she
will overshare about whether or not her legs are smooth.

Which isn't cocktail conversation, because the alternative to smooth
isn't cocktail conversation. Who the fuck wants that visual?
She wants to lock her real stuff down, LOCK IT ALL DOWN bitch.
"Hey - you look great! Last time I saw you,
you were pregnant! Let's hang!"
Behold skating journalism.  This d.j./interviewer/ex-comedian/is identified here as a "journalist." He "journaled" Tessa and Scott while she was very pregnant.

"It was really refreshing to get out and socialize and see other people and
feel like I was a normal person. This wife and mother and skater shit is for the birds.

It was fun. My life is so sheltered at the moment that,
just knowing that that’s out there -
– a life of socializing at invitation only fashion events
wearing couture and interacting with local media celebrities –
just relieves the stress. I know I'll be vomiting a
lot less after this."
It's really hard for Tessa to date, Tessa shares, because she lives in
Canton. Michigan. And Londonontario.  There are
no men in either city.
Basically Tessa just told us that after she's done skating she's going to be a socialite. Good for her.

I know Tessa did some more tee heeing and she vo'd about how she can't wait to have a real relationship instead of this fake nothing happening bullshit with Scott, but I'm done with her. Let's move on to this episode's raison d'etre.

Mommy and Dad let Scotty boy use the
basement TV space for girlfriend sexy times.


Let's take a closer look.

You get it dawg.
There it is. It's morning. And he went over there at night.
Nobody can say Alma's little boy isn't a real man.
I may be just spelunking for a silver lining, but when I look at Chiddy in this it's hard not to wonder if it's beginning to dawn on him that Scott and Tessa are both really really really REALLY stupid. Chiddy's a character, and at times seems possibly a little volatile, and a little young, but he's smart. We can see that. He's got enough brains to go on with.

Scott and Tessa? I bet we're not the only ones catching on.

There's the minor, doesn't mean anything evidence, which is that a lot of Skate Canada's skaters are bilingual (Chiddy's tri or quad lingual) and Scott and Tessa just about pass in English, and that's it. There's been all kinds of opportunity to get a grasp on at least French, but nah. Bryce learned it in what - a few months? It's kind of something you'd think they'd catch onto at this point, but nope.

Then there's the real evidence that all the lights aren't on upstairs: Everything Scott and Tessa say, and everything they do.

It can take years for even people close to them to figure that out. Between the pretty, the sweet, the ability to compete, and the huge figure skating talent and dance talent, a lot of people take it as given that with all of that, the other basics must of course be present - a good dose of smarts, common sense, ability to reason, a certain amount of maturity. All that personal appeal sort of READS like the more substantial stuff. It can take years before it dawns on anyone that talent and personal appeal don't = substance.

(Their "unique" history and their 'sheltered' environment doesn't create or account for this level of both dumb ass and jackass. They just got severely shortchanged in the critical thinking department.)

(This is a theme in literature AND a theme in beach reads. I recall a Maeve Binchey novel where the heroine - a beautiful, talented, sensitive woman, abandons her family to run off with the love of her life, only to realize less than ten years later that he's really really stupid, a bit pathetic, and kind of a fraud.)

In the past Tessa and Scott were outliers because they were beautiful, because of the love and chemistry between them, and because of their outrageous skating talent. It almost stands to reason if they have all that, we can at least expect they have the same brains as the rest of the figure skaters in Canada. And we would be wrong.

I'm thinking maybe people are realizing that their good friends, their colleagues, their role models, are as genuinely crazy (versus endearingly crazy) and deeply, impenetrably stupid as it gets.

Saturday, January 11, 2014





Okay, now I agree. My tag of "Cassandra" could be Kaitlyn Osmond. Subsequent video clips show a doppelganger resemblance.

"Marnie, Meryl and Charlie are far from unbeatable if the game isn't rigged, but the game
is rigged. We're coming in second. If we're LUCKY."
We were also supposed to see Tessa writing: "Control distractions. Don't let skating overwhelm the reality show."



Tessa: "it's like"
Kate: "You're in this insane world."
Tessa: "yes".
Kate: "And you're never good enough."
Tessa: "Never."
Kate: "I bet sometimes you want to kill yourself."
Tessa: "Yep."
Kate: "Because it's like - you're just this worthless piece of shit."
Tessa: "Um hmm."
Kate: "Mommy loves you baby."





"I was so relieved the free dance went well I
rewarded myself by upchucking breakfast and lunch.
Call me bulky after that, bitches."

"It was one of those nights where Scott needed to get away,
get home and relax, help raise money for the ISC, which
is more important than me, our career, our daughter,
our reputation, our chances in Sochi, and our integrity."
"It was so weird being abandoned by Scott. I kept trying to talk to the empty
space beside me. It's a struggle to realize I'm just a stain wipe to him and he'd
rather be with coSONdra. I can hardly remember the events I've been to
without him. Well, okay, Much Music 2009, my French Family's wedding,
Monaco 2009."

"I am working to accept the fact that I'm a non-hot loser nobody
would hang out with unless their Olympic prospects depended upon it, or
unless they were 40something going through a mid-life crisis, or humoring me.
I'm a boner-shrinker cluster of tedium. I'm not attractive and I have
the personality of a clenched anus.  I have no talent, I choke, I'm annoying,
I'm exhausting, I torture everything until it dies, and if you've had a rough week
GOD do you need a break from me. If I have a daughter some day,
I certainly hope she never takes after me because I'm the WORST."
I'm so so glad Ilderton has OBVIOUSLY made Tessa feel loved, proud, and accepted for herself.

And Kate - congratulations!

To be continued.

P.S.  - I just want to take a second to say that the gleeful, misogynistic hatefulness of this program  makes it almost impossible to digest. It's with Tessa's full cooperation, as well. How fucking dare she. How fucking dare she. How fucking dare Scott. Kate, you fucking SUCK. And I hope Little Moir finds other role models as fast as she can before she's throwing up her animal crackers and slamming her head against her bedroom mirror because she's an imperfect, boring, useless, pathetic, insecure, talentless waste of skin like her mother. 

________________________________
P.S. May I offer a HUGE congratulations to Alexandra Paul and Mitchell Islam, who trained for half of this quad in the shadow of Skate Canada's contempt, and nevertheless never compromised their integrity as ice dancers. They're a beautiful team who have only been skating together since 2009 and yet they use every ounce of what they have. They've never ducked ice dance - they've always tackled ice dance head on.

They have never skated inside their comfort zone - they've always worked right to the edge of their considerable ability, and thank God it's paid off.

Congrats on the move to the DSC. The people at the DSC seem to have convinced P/I to skate without apology. They're not only worth it when they're perfect. They're worth it, period. They have so much content in what they do. The DSC move was the right move at the right time and I couldn't be happier for them.

I LIKE Gilles/Poirier's programs this year, and Piper has improved her skating. However, P/I have improved their competitive steel, and at this stage they're clearly the stronger team. I am so happy they're going to Sochi, so happy they've outright earned their spot, and I'm thrilled for their supporters.

________________
P.P.S. I do have some thoughts about Virtue Moir this weekend but I want to process them a little bit. 

Last time they competed at Canadians before the Olympics, they didn't give a shit how anyone else skated, or how the crowd reacted to anyone. They came on that ice and they threw it down, particularly Faruccus. They were warriors. They were also on the radio prior to Canadians and Scott said what we were going to see at Canadians was pretty much what we'd see at the Olympics.

What's happened to that? "OMG we were rattled by the W&P audience response!" Since WHEN? "It would be worrying if we weren't still fighting for our programs, if we were perfect already."

No it wouldn't.

It's like they can't stop outsmarting themselves. Yes, even if they'd blown the roof off at Canadians it might not have made a difference. All indications are DW have already been crowned Olympic champions and Scott and Tessa's performance won't matter.

But, this reality show is full of them running themselves down - particularly Tessa. They pander, pander pander. They figure out where the lowest common denominator is among the likely viewers and then aim considerably under that, and it feels like it circles back and bites them in the ass, not us.

"Oh their programs suck. Oh they could be in trouble." That's the takeaway from the reality show.

The fundamentals of their skating are there, the programs are there, but psychologically they seem as fragile as hell - for them.

It's ridiculous. They did it to themselves. It's arrogant. "We're doing this Olympics 100% different from last Olympics, we're going to front front front and lie lie lie and try to talk reality around even though that has never EVER worked for us, nor has piling agenda after agenda on top of our actual job, which is skating". It's NEVER worked, but reality is always what they decide it is, until it catches up to them. It did in 2011 and it certainly looks like it's doing the same thing here.

Especially when the agenda fucks with their heads, their energy, and their integrity.
"It's always really fun to see the other skaters at ... team camp."
caSONDra and Rudy Sweiger.
Look who's a skater.
"I knew little Patrick when he was like thirteen.
I take ... some pride in the fact that I yeah you know I
took him out to his first nightclub. I'm like his older
brother."
"I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
I can come over any time. I can come over at night."
Chan: "Heh heh - I still find this dialogue
such a struggle."
"They suck so bad. They'll be lucky
to finish ahead of Chock/Bates at Sochi."
Somehow, coSONdra's presence at "Team Camp" went unremarked by either Scott or Tessa, but obviously, we're meant to see it.

I can't keep up!!!!

They're too smart for me!
To be continued.